I haven’t had caffeine in about four years, and I mean that seriously, not the way people say it right before ordering a flat white. The most caffeine I drink nowadays is a can of coke or a cup of black tea.
I used to drink about six cups of coffee a day. I have ADHD and autism, and back then I also had what I thought was just a lot of anxiety, heart palpitations, and these brutal energy slumps every evening after work. I didn’t connect any of it to the coffee. Why would I? Everyone drinks coffee.
I cut it out for a week, mostly to prove a point to myself, and the anxiety just left. I didn’t expect that. I remember thinking, surely it can’t actually be the coffee. So I tested it properly: one single cup, on the couch, and within the hour I had that familiar ball of dread sitting in my stomach again. Fear, for no reason, out of nowhere. That was the confirmation I didn’t want.
I haven’t really touched coffee since. No complaints. I have real, steady energy through the whole day now, no crash, no craving. I still drink decaf coffee, purely for the flavour, and I think there’s something psychological in it too, like it convinces some part of my brain that energy is still coming. Whatever it’s doing, it’s working. The only real caffeine I get these days is an occasional Coke.
Plus, there’s an unexpected benefit. If I ever go out to dance (a rare occurrence in my life nowadays), all I need is two red bulls and I’ll be awake until the next morning.
But here’s what I actually miss: the drinks themselves. That acrid, battery-acid tang. I would love to know what a white monster tastes like. I feel like I am, spiritually and psychologically, exactly the target demographic for a white monster. I just also know that much caffeine would probably stop my heart outright.
So this is a direct request to whichever brand is listening: release a decaf energy drink. Start with the white monster. I need to know what it tastes like, and I would very much like to still be alive afterward.
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